if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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