I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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