Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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