I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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