I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
