His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
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Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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