omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
