you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
