Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
