Umm I'm too high to move.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize