I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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