shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
