Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
