Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
this just has baby written all over it
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
