rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
