I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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