what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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