You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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