What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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