He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
