yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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