I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
