we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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