My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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