I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
