hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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