can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
