so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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