I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
