She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
