thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
