I am puke
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
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