upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
