Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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