i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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