there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
