I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
