It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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