I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
