K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
