she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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