if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This baby is an asshole
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
