Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
