Your mouth is God's brothel.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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