I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
