Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
