just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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