My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
