Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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