she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
