I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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