He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
