Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
