I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
