I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
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I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
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Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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