I think I won the penis lottery.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
