Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The power of my boobs compel you
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
