NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
