I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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