one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize