The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
