Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
